Wednesday, 21 December 2011

I Think I'm A Pogonophobiac

I'm so excited, only five days until Boxing Day. Yes it's that time of year again when Noddy Holder can sit, relax, put his feet up and get his calculator out. Honestly I don't wish for more, I just sometimes wish that those with more than me had less.

I started preparing for Christmas much earlier this year by falling out with all of my relatives in September. It does seem to get earlier and earlier though doesn't it? I've considered having a 'Merry Christmas' tattoo on my forehead. It would only be obsolete for about two months a year.

We had our first carol singers here the other night, a bunch of young kids appropriately supervised by some of their mums who look so young these days, dressed in their track suits and trainers. I think they may have misunderstood the phrase 'unfit to be a mother'. Anyhow I had to stop them singing almost immediately and tell them "Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin!. Notice it says kin!, not king! Read what's on the page" I slammed the door on them, I'm not paying for incorrect lyrics. I didn't feel bad. After all this is the season of good will to all men. No mention of women and children, they can sod off.

Of course the god botherers are relentless during this period. There are so many religions in the world with so many contradictory beliefs, yet they all have one thing in common. They all know they're right and they all want to come to my door! (OK that's two things) If I'm honest I can probably relate more to the Buddhists than any of the others. Although Buddhists have suffered thousands of years of negative stereotyping this could easily be reversed by suddenly punching people in the face when they disagree with them. I think that might work.

It's been quite a tight year financially so I'm being even more frugal than usual this Christmas. I only have two grandsons to buy for. I'm giving them a bucket of water and a penknife each and telling them it's a DIY ice sculpture kit. I'm also telling them that they're getting that game 'Operation' but they won't be receiving it until about August. For my friends in Norfolk I've remembered to buy mittens and not gloves this year which hopefully will prevent any repeat of those 'awkward' moments we had last year. I've bought Jenny a book about saving the environment. I just need to box it, wrap it up in several layers of printed paper, tape it, glue on some tinsel and ribbons, then put it under our big plastic Christmas tree. Honestly they're so keen on re-cycling around here they've started putting pictures of missing milk cartons on the back of local kids!

I've saved money on tree decorations by stringing OXO cubes and hanging them on. They can obviously be re-used in the New Year as and when, so cost nothing really. Instead of chocolate money I've found it cheaper to use real Euros. See? The recession's not all bad.
The telly has reverted to it's usual seasonal crap but it's given me an idea for an ITV game show. Right, there are two panels, 'The Public' and 'Celebrities' The studio audience have to guess which is which.....Brilliant! ...and as for the Christmassy adverts.... By the way have you noticed that, when stood in their trademark X formation, the Halifax building society people make a perfect target for a military air strike. 
One last thing. Nigella, just to clarify. I won't be stuffing my turkey with bloody clementines and/or lemons.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Happy Christmas everybody!


DavidF said...

thanks Peter... great stuff and it reminded me of my best 'doorstep' moment this year when I made a Bible Basher speechless when I told him I am an Atheist and a Buddhist.

sue said...

Great post Peter :-)

David and I usually pee the family off by refusing to do the 'traditional Christmas Day hype' ....

Most years we've spent Christmas Day somewhere like Harringay in London which has a large Turkish community and its business as usual. We have a lovely Turkish Barbecue type meal with bottle of wine for around £20 for two. Easy parking everywhere.

Ironic though that to avoid Turkey we go to the Turkish restaurants!

but ... we give in and have all the family round for Boxing Day food and 'entertainment'

Happy Christmas anyway. Hope Murphy is better these days?

Carolann said...

Ha Ha.... Enjoyed that. Christmas morning on the beach at Sizewell with all the dogs playing and home to a warming lamb stew.....My kinda day...... Best wishes to you Murphy and Leon.